WEBVTT

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James Raper: Hello Wake Forest parents and families. My name is Dr. James Raper. I'm the Assistant Vice President for Health and Wellbeing here at Wake Forest. Welcome to our virtual offering of the Just for Parents and Families presentation.

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Along with me is Dr. Betsy Chapman, who will introduce herself more fully in a minute.

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As I mentioned, I'm over the Health and Wellbeing offices at Wake Forest.

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And this is my 18th year at the University.

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I previously in the last few years have been a licensed mental health provider in the University Counseling Center and so got to know our Wake Forest students in that way; and four or five of those years I was the director of the Center before moving into this role.

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This is, as I mentioned earlier, the virtual offering of something that for the last almost 30 years has happened in a group setting. It's just for parents and families only.

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And it would happen at the end of the first night of move in. And so if you can imagine that you are sitting in Wait Chapel shoulder to shoulder with 700 or 800 other parents and close family members...

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beginning to take in the day that you've just had, waking up early to start moving in. It's August in North Carolina, so probably a little bit sweaty.

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And

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Beginning the process of celebrating what you've done and celebrating the achievements that your child has had.

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This is typically a pretty powerful experience from the feedback we get from parents over the decades, so more on that in a minute. But I'll hand it over to Dr. Chapman...

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Thank you, James. So I am Dr. Betsy Chapman. I am the Executive Director of Family Communications. And what that means in practical terms, is it's my job to help you feel connected to Wake Forest, so...

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We deeply believe from just a basic philosophical perspective that parents and families are our greatest partners in educating your students. We have the same goal: we want your students to succeed and you want your students to succeed. And we want to do everything we can to help

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Provide a wonderful collegiate environment for them, but also to help parents and families and loved ones feel like you have a piece of the action in your own way. So,

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One of the things that we do is a lot of electronic communication. It's important for us to be able to provide you with information you need, even in a non-COVID year, I would say.

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To help you feel comfortable that you know where your student is, you know what resources are available for them.

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And to give you, like, your own lane that you can be in so you know what's going on. So you don't have to be in your students lanes. So one of the ways we accomplish that.

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Is there is a blog that I author called the Daily Deac (dailydeac.wfu.edu) that you can opt into via the parents website (parents.wfu.edu) and the Daily Deac gives you a  little

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email in the afternoon about something that's happening on campus. It could be some tips or advice, or it could be that I've been walking around campus showing you the things I've been seeing on the Quad.

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Or it could be serious things. So we always try to include whatever campuswide news has been sent out via email, so parents and families can can be involved.

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But it's our way to sort of help you feel like you know what's what's going on because we really do want to welcome you as full members of the family. Although we've admitted your children to be students, we consider their families, a

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critical part of that process. And I strongly encourage folks to opt in.

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I've opted in, and I learned quite a bit. Most days on

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What's going on campus. So thanks for it - and I believe you actually won an award for this, is that it?

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I'm gonna have to slip you that money. I told them I paid to have you say that, yes.

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No, we're the only college in the United States that does a daily blog for for parents and families. And it's available for your students as well. But we just want to do everything we can to help you feel connected and engaged.

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So I'm going to allow us to pivot a little bit and share the formal part of our presentation.

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So as I mentioned this presentation has been

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Presented to parents and families for almost 30 years I've

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Been honored to do it for the last nine or 10 and

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You know,

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The value that this modality brings now. As much as we

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Wish we could get all gathered together, the value is that you actually get this information, not the first day of move in, but you get this information.

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In in the midst of the summer. And a lot of this might prompt some important discussions that you have with your

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Your children, your Wake Forester, it might

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Prompt some questions and other kinds of considerations for you and be able to utilize the remaining time of the summer to engage all the support and information resources that are available through Wake and

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Towards the end of the presentation, you'll see some of those resources in our slides.

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A lot of questions. The question I get just about every year. So I've now built it into my introduction is

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"When is my child going to get this information?", because typically they ask that at the end when we're doing some Q&A. And there was a there's a reception that happens on the Quad.

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And and so I just want to make sure everyone knows your child will get all of this information, but because we're working with 18 year olds, for the most part.

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With regard to first year students. We know that they, the way they get information really is probably better broken up into pieces over time. So we try to

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Make some of this information stepwise in order, and also the most urgent and significant information. They get it upfront, and it gets repeated a few times, the things that can wait until September and maybe even October 

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We will then give it to them then. They get it through their advisors, their faculty members, or RAs (Resident Advisers) and all those sorts of support offices that that they have the opportunity to engage.

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So I'm a two time Wake Forest graduate myself. So I have lived in the same residence halls that that your students will live in, or at least some of them.

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I've gone through the same basic and divisional requirements, registered for classes (back in the day when it wasn't online, I might add).

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But having gone through the Wake experience myself as a student, and having seen my parents' relationship with the with the school...

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Gives me a great lens to help understand how we can help our families understand the Wake Forest world. So in addition to being a "double Deac" is what we call it, if you've graduated twice,

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I've been working with parents and families for more than 21 years now, and I have a son who's a sophomore in high school, who I affectionately refer to as the "Class of '27" because that's when he'll graduate [hopefully] from Wake.

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But the idea of being the parent of a college student is getting more and more real for me, both on a personal level, in addition to my kind of professional capacity.

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And I know from families that I've worked with over the years that the the start of your child's college experience can be filled with a lot of things: excitement,

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As James referenced earlier about moving day: physical exhaustion, a range of emotions and obviously COVID it adds a new twist to that. And you might have a lot of questions and anxieties.

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And curiosities. So our goal today is to share some of the insights that we have from working with college students to let you know what to expect from your students' journey.

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And how best you can support your kids, during this time.

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We also know that there will be a lot of COVID-specific guidance and resources that are going to come out closer to move in.

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So what we're going to be talking about today is some of the more general information about the college transition and we'll save the COVID-specific stuff for when all the plans are finalized as that gets a little bit closer to move in. So stay tuned. And I'll turn it back to James...

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So,

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broad overview, briefly, one of the things that's really important that we know and you're going to hear - the therapist and may come out from time to time, my apologies for that.

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Is that transitions are really important for humans. And so we're going to make sure we spend some time focusing on this particular transition, both for your child as well as for you, as parents and close family members.

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We're going to provide some tips on how to best support your child.

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During this transition and beyond into their entire college experience throughout their four years.

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And make sure you're aware of the broad variety of university resources that are available that 

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Your child will be informed of them [the resources]; we remind them frequently. But, you know, sometimes it slips through the cracks in terms of the things that they hold on to. So

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This is one of the ways that you, as kind of emerging consultants for them around Wake Forest, can help remind them of how to maybe navigate the university, if they want it or if they need it.

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So I mentioned transitions and I mentioned, I'm a therapist. This is probably the only time I've going to invite you to traumatize your child. So when you -

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and I say that as a joke - when you

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Drop off your child, and move in has happened and you are driving away, I absolutely encourage you to say this to them.

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That phrase "remember, no one can wipe your tushy but me!"

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One of the values I think of being a parent - having an adolescent and preadolescent of my own - is what we get out of it. We get to sort of make them embarrassed sometimes. And I think that's

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Totally, totally appropriate :)

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[Betsy: I'm totally warming that up for Class of '27!] Excellent, excellent. So as I mentioned, and transitions can be anxiety- provoking and in all seriousness, they

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Certainly, even in present day this transition might cause everyone to have even more of a little bit of a pause to look to each other for reassurance, and for families and parents to look to the university for reassurance.

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But separate from that, these are really important times that can activate

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Sort of pre-existing anxiety as stresses that we're carrying around. And so paying attention to this real milestone.

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Is is really crucial.

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And I would just sort of jump in and add to that, James, that you know the college transition is an ongoing process, you probably started on some level when they were applying to Wake Forest and getting accepted and graduating from high school.

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And even though we're talking about the college transition today, they're going to be moments of transition up through moving and beyond, as you are.

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All learning to navigate what that transition looks like for your family. What does home life look like for you, now that your student is leaving?

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So your Deac that's moving away is going to have an impact on the rest of your family, whether that's they have younger siblings who will miss them, or whether you're now empty nesters.

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At a very bare minimum, somebody that you love dearly is not going to be in your house every day.

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And on one hand, it's very exciting to watch them fly from the nest, and I'm sure you're justifiably so proud of everything they've done.

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But there's possibly - or maybe even probably - also a feeling of loss because your family life, as you've had it for the last 18 years, is changing.

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So how you feel about dropping your student off at college could vary wildly, depending on whether this is your first (or only) child to go off to college, or your second or your third

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And there could be a difference in

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the child. You could have one child that's really ready to go, and one that's more reticent. So practically speaking, you're going to want to prepare for certain changes that are that are coming.

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Physical distance, obviously; how your communication patterns are going to change; the access that you're going to have to information; and the involvement that you have had up to this point in academics - and even their daily life - is going to change.

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But that's what's supposed to happen :) This is how our kids become adults and

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That is exciting and something to celebrate.

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That's a great point. I...

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One of the questions, having worked with a lot of parents in my role in the Counseling Center over the years, is this sort of fear. Sometimes I'll get a phone call in September, October, November - those early months

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Of the semester for sure. [With] Student errors, and in that, worry "Have I done enough to prepare them?"

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"Are they ready to to launch, if you will, into a lot more autonomy and independence?"

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And you know what, one of the things I like to remind folks of in this talk is you've done this before. This is actually a continuation of a variety of times where your

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Child has - sort of what I've called - a "micro launch." So imagine. So the first time when they were very little - this is where we get the tissues out, by the way. But imagine when they were very little. The first time you left them alone with a babysitter.

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And you and your partner if, if appropriate, you know, went on your first date after having them. Or you drop them off at daycare, or for their first sleepover.

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Think when they got their driver's license and drove away by themselves in a car, with all those other cars driving around. So you've had these experiences of them going from feeling more in your sphere, to taking steps away from you and engaging the world.

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So this is a very clear one - and again really understandable - that there will be some

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Some nerves, but you've done this before, and

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I think if we mix an acknowledgement of that [transition] with a real taking a moment - even in these uncertain times - to say, look, what

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My child has done to get here. And look to yourself - look in the mirror and say - look what I have done. I mean, they will never fully appreciate - and acknowledge likely - what you have done behind the scenes. The work you've done, the late nights you've had yourself trying to help them

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Be ready for the world. And be prepared support their achievements, but I hope you do that. This is really a celebration for your entire family in my opinion.

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So I hope you take a moment to to celebrate as well.

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So this is one of those moments that I wish we were in Wait Chapel, because this always gets a big chuckle when we see

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This lovely image from John Belushi and Animal House and what to expect [from college]. And that's a lot, in some ways, of the anxiety that that families might feel about starting college.

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So I want to talk for just a second about the preconceived notions that our students come to college with.

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Students have seen images in TV shows and movies about college. "The best four years of their life!" from the moment they set foot on campus. It should be amazing and incredible.

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If you have gone to college, or others in your family have gone to college, you might have told stories to your kids about what college is like, and all the things that they should should anticipate, so

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Students get to Wake Forest - and every other college in the country - with with a head full of ideas of what college should be. But there really are some real experiences in the transition that are essential, but less fun than you might see in a movie.

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But they're critical for students to go through - and for families to understand. So we want to talk about what we call the three R's.

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And that is Responsibilities, Relationships, and Resilience. Not the old 'reading, writing, and arithmetic'. And as a side note, all of these pictures that you see on screen.

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Are from places, either on the Wake Forest campus or in Reynolda House and Reynolda Gardens. So I encourage you, if you're going to take a couple days in Winston when you're here, poke around. See if you can find them.

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So these three R's capture the developmental areas where we expect your children to experience growth and change, and all three are equally important. They're, they're all critical to their to their growth. So the first one we're going to talk about is responsibilities.

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Most of our Wake Forest students - your children - come from a very high achieving high school backgrounds.

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They might have had all of these plates spinning in the air, metaphorically, one at a time, whether that's

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Good grades, sports, extracurriculars, volunteer service, or faith practice, perhaps. Oh, and by the way, the very difficult job of of trying to get in college! So all of the multitasking and things that they did in high school is one

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of the nuances, and we want to talk about some of these responsibilities; you see them here on the on the screen.

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In high school, your students probably had a very highly structured day, including academic monitoring by their teachers or parents and loved ones. There was a lot of supervision in all of the areas of their lives.

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College, on the other hand, is a time where they're going to really have to self-manage.

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They can't wait for you or others to direct them. And again, this is a *good* thing and a normal part of a student development and as they emerge into adulthood.

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So the start of college, particularly the first few weeks, is a time when your kids might be really excited about this newfound freedom.

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And they're going to have to learn to manage and balance all of the things that you see on the screen.

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And you should know - and even more importantly, *they* need to know - that this is going to be a learning process with trial and error.

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So one of the challenges that students have is they've worked so hard, and they've done so well up into high school

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Up until college starts, that they may not have had as many bumps in the road.

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But it's important for them to understand that bumps in the road in any of these areas that you see on the screen are *normal and to be expected*.

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So, your kids are all going to have to figure out how to be a college student.

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That's almost like a class in and of itself that they don't get any credit for. But it's certainly one of the critical parts of their first semester: how do I be more independent?

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And to help your students thrive in the best ways that they can, my best advice to you is to let them try different approaches on their own - without any intervention or direction from you. Because in the long run, this is going to allow them to be more self-sufficient.

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I want to also stress that it's *really* hard to fail at college. And I don't just mean failing a class. I mean, you know, failing in any sense of the word, because there are so many safety nets that we have.

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One of the things I love the most about Wake is it's small enough that if a student is not showing up in class, faculty are going to know that. And they're going to talk to some people.

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If a student on the hall doesn't seem like they're getting up and showering and going to class, somebody's going to talk to the RA and say, "you know, I'm a little worried about so and so." There's lots of different ways we can catch students before they fall too hard.

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But they're going to have to start taking responsibility for things like their time management, their study habits. How often am I going to

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Exercise? How much will I do it? How do I make my own doctors appointments? You know, what are the right hours for me for sleeping? Where do I study most effectively? And they're going to learn those things by by trial and error.

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And I also want to add a word of reassurance, because I've spoken to some families over the summer, who are sort of fretting at the idea that their student is more likely to get a single room

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Instead of having a roommate, since we anticipate having 65% singles. One of the toughest student transitions is getting along with their roommate - and that could be anything from you know they snore, stay up too late studying

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To coming home in - shall we say - a less than ideal condition.

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And so having a single and having the ability to sleep when you need to, and not have to adjust to a to a roommate, can be a fantastic benefit. I rarely hear from families who are sorry

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In a non COVID year that their students are in a single. But I hear from many more families that their kids have roommate issues. So I would encourage your students who have singles that they will be the majority, and not to stress about that if you can

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So let's talk a little bit about some tips for parents and family members.

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One of the most effective things you can do to help support your students is moving from the role of a supervisor or manager.

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To one as a consultant. So instead of directing their activities, you would instead - in a consulting role - sort of listen and provide emotional support, maybe even ask some reflective questions. But give your students autonomy to know

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How to be. So if your student comes to you and says they have a problem, instead of saying "Oh, I got this. Here's how you fix it," you can ask some reflective questions like, "Gosh, you know, that seems like that's really a pickle. What do you think you might do?"

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"Is there anyone on campus that specializes in this that you could talk to?"

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"Have you talked to your RA? Do they have any ideas?" So you can give them some prompts to reflect on how to take action without actually telling them step-by-step how to solve it.

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This is how your students are going to build their problem-solving skills. Having said that, there are some places where it's appropriate to provide more broad guidance.

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In issues like sleep, nutrition, and alcohol, parents and families can provide a framework of what's really healthy and normal despite what [others might be doing.]

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So I'm sure you've all heard the the loving nickname "Work Forest," which our students wear very much as a badge of honor.

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And a lot of times we have students that stay up very, very late studying and doing other things and not getting as much sleep as they need to. If you constantly are hearing from your students and they always seem tired, or they're saying they're, you know, going out.

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Or studying way late - they're up past 1am every night and only getting four or five hours of sleep.

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You know, you could talk to them about that and say something like

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"So I noticed you said you're often staying up past 1 am to study and you're only getting five hours of sleep. Maybe it seems pretty normal to do that if a lot of your friends are doing the same thing, but it's not really healthy."

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"Your body needs sleep to be able to perform at its best. And if you don't get enough sleep, you can have poor concentration, or difficult moods. Have you thought about ways you could get some more sleep?"

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So notice in that example that you're not *telling* your students 'Here's what you need to do. Honey, you need to set your phone to beep at 11 pm saying it's time for bed."

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"And turn off your phone so you're not distracted by your screen. And get your pillows just the way you like them" etc, etc. Instead, you're sort of giving them a bump

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That sleep is important. And letting that advice sort of rest out there so they can figure out the solution on their own. That's going to be ultimately what is the most effective in helping them learn to be independent and make good choices.

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I think that's a there's a story of my former leader of the University Counseling Center, a few decades ago when I was just starting out; she'd been around Wake for a number of decades and

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She had been here long enough that that one our former clients was now bringing their own child to Wake Forest. And this [alumni parent]sought out this administrator and said,

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"I just want you to know what you said had such an impact on my life when I was in the Counseling Center as a client," and this counselor was telling the story, saying 

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"Gosh, I was wondering what the amazing thing was I did to have this amazing impact on them as a therapist," and [the alumni parent] said, "You told me that it was really important to get enough sleep." And so, as silly as it is, and as simple as it sounds

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I think we all know how vital it is. And I can't say enough

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How how important it is to one allow - with support and some nudges - to allow students to sort those things out for themselves.

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So this is an important time, I think, to talk about

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Alcohol and other substance use and abuse.

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Parents. This is, again, I'll add a little bit of the confidential conversations I've had over the decades with students.

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And one of the things I've learned is that parents really overlook how much

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Your children actually listened to you. They really are [listening]. They don't want to acknowledge it, but they definitely are watching

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And listening to the messages that you share. Doesn't mean they're going to *follow* them, but they really, really do make an impact. So you can set help set the tone for how they approach thinking about the choices they're going to make around alcohol and other substances.

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And how they navigate the challenging social situations that will likely come up at some point.

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When I would have these private conversations with parents, after the fact, I would say, you know, "Tell them your family history around alcohol abuse."

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Your personal history around alcohol and other drug use, the challenges or negative consequences that you may have experienced. Share these, as [your children] are now legally adults.

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And so begin to pull back the curtain. If you've not already had this conversation, pull back the curtain, a little bit.

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And share with them the wisdom that life experience has around alcohol and drugs has given you. It is a gift that I know will benefit them as they move into some kind of more independent autonomous place in their lives.

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And this is another great example of where you can be a consultant. If you begin to feel

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If you begin to hear from your student that "well, everybody here drinks," I need you all to know

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That is not the case. We have very good data on this, but often in college that is the perception, particularly early on for first year students. It feels like the way to engage socially is through alcohol.

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And when we ask our students what their perception is of how much people drink, it is *much, much, much higher,* their perception of [drinking] than when we [actually] asked them "How much do you drink? How frequently, and how often?"
 
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And it's that gap that we're trying to close, so that there's a much more

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clear understanding of alcohol use and all the variety of options available to students who choose *not* to use alcohol.

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It's also really important to to talk them about it [before they are] put in this situation. So [you can say] "Say you're at a party, and someone offers you something, and"

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You decide. "I don't know how you navigate that, let's role play that." And they might feel embarrassed. They might roll their eyes. I'm sure eye rolling is required.

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But it's really helpful to put them in that situation. They're going to get this [training] from Wake Forest as well. We're going to give them opportunity to be put in that

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Situation hypothetically and navigate how to engage themselves, also to how to help a friend who might look like they're feeling pressured to do something they don't want to do

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So that, that part is important. It's also important that your children see you engaging with them around these more uncomfortable conversations.

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So speaking about an uncomfortable conversations...

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Consent. It is crucial that you have a conversation. The intersection between consent and substance use and abuse, and you cannot leave it

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To when they arrive here to have this conversation. Because there is a lot of - well to be very frank,

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College students (or the college aged person, whether or not they're in college) - an 18 year old, their brains are not fully done, right? Their prefrontal cortex is not fully developed.

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And the prefrontal cortex: one of the things that it does, it helps with decision-making and thinking ahead about consequences. And having that thinking ahead forms the choices we make right now.

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So the more information and education they have, the more discussions they have, the more that information kind of gets baked in

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To their brains. And it increases the chance that they're going to make decisions that are right for them in the moment. And they had a lot of other

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sort of pressures and confusing things going on for them. So, you know, the message of this slide really is: lean into having those uncomfortable conversations. Be transparent and share what you feel like your family's values are around alcohol and other substance use.

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And we will be taking up those conversations with with your students, but I certainly hope that you continue them once once the semester and the year starts

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So to the second our Rs: relationships.

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I think we have many, many, many decades at this point - like six decades' worth of great research around what the college student development experience is

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And and one of the ways, as Betsy mentioned earlier, we've kind of condensed down all this research into three R's. The second is relationships. It's the relationship with others that might be the more obvious one.

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But it's also about the relationship with *yourself.* And one of the ways to, sort of, very short hand summarize is what really college is about outside of the classroom, but also to some degree inside

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Is figuring out what's going on in here, inside our head, the sort of one cubic foot of space and what's going on out there, the relationship with the world. And that world can be my roommate, it can be my residence hall, it can be my affinity group or my club.

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It can be my class, and also can be our government, internationally, the world and how I begin thinking about where me being a citizen of the world [fits in].

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And that is - honestly - that's to me what makes being at a university and certainly being at a liberal arts university like Wake so valuable. This is a place where all that exploration can happen in a way that's still somewhat protected and safe.

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So,

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Some initial kinds of relationships that are pretty obvious. We have friends. Friends from home.

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The roommates, that may have presented to us that we didn't necessarily get to choose. And then how do we start engaging with our Wake Forest peers and developing these new friendships. One of the things that I love seeing in during

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The first weeks of the semester is often it's the

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The residence halls, or the group of rooms that kind of are near each other, and you'll see them kind of all go to the dining facility together [in big groups] and they'll sort of walk around.

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To an event together.

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And so slowly, they'll start feeling more and and that's really out of anxiety and 'this is the people I know now' so we're going to try to do that kind of organize this and then slowly, you'll start seeing them kind of break up into smaller groups or start pulling other people in

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And so it's a really great developmental piece - when you're used to the ebbs and flows of the university life and the calendar - you start seeing that, you know, there's between beginning of September and the beginning of October is pretty great thing.

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Friends from home is something really important to pay attention to. This is a not insignificant part of a lot of the content of therapy sessions for the fall semester. Often it's September and October for first year students, and it's navigating 

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That their own personal stress and adjustment is super normal and should be expected - actually probably should happen, because something important has happened in their lives. And then what they see and what they hear from their friends from home, often by

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Messaging social media

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Instagram, right. So, so there's this idea that all you see really is your Hall of Fame life.

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The Best of Your Life. We choose to put that for the most part on social media. Even *I* have experienced this, and I have a fully functioning brain.

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So I've seen other people. They're like, they seem to be so happy all the time.

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I'm not happy all the time because I'm a human being. But not "I'm not happy all the time...what's wrong with me? How do I get to be more like them?" Now I'm 44, and imagine what it must be like for

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Currently 18 year olds, but they've also grown up with this much more than any of us in our generation have.

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To have this internal stress, that is normal they're going through. But they have this comparison from home.

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And they're going to see their friends on social media - at other universities, in  groups, smiling, out doing things. And that might feel threatening to them - might feel like they're losing those friends. And it might highlight feeling more alone.

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And so being prepared for that as a parent, and kind of reminding them that what they're seeing is not the whole story from their friends.

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And reassurance they will need and where [you can be] a consultant in that new role. "How can you feel a greater sense of reassurance in these relationships with [high school] friends?" "What would be helpful?" "What do you need to hear from them?" what kind of

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Intimate or wrong will check and be useful, and "How might you communicate with them?" So again, being a consultant with them in that situation.

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With regard to roommates, and also just peers in their residence hall environment, please know

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It's one of the bread and butter pieces of the university experience, [what happens] outside the classroom, and Residence Life and Housing is it. They're just absolute experts at

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Being able to listen to students when if they have a concern about the residence hall experience, or peers around them, 

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help them resolve those concerns. Sometimes if it's significant, mediation

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Can happen. That's really, really wonderful to watch that happen - to 18 year olds who come in kind of frustrated with each other

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Really develop empathy for each other and go, "Why, I can stop doing that" or "I can start doing that" and for though the large majority of situations that if they do happen, they get resolved pretty easily.

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But also want to let you know that there is what's called a "room thaw" where if changes need to happen, there is a process for that and Residence Life and Housing will be able to provide you with that information

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Later on in the in the semester.

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So mentioned roommates and and mentioned the residence hall. Professors is another kind of relationship. I went to a school not dissimilar

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From Wake Forest in it was a smaller liberal arts [school] and as you've heard me say earlier, I'm a real champion of that.

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And one of the reasons why is because you simply get to know your professors better. Your classes are taught by professors, not a variety of

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TAs [Teaching Assistants] and it's going to more mimic their high school experience in terms of the size of classes and

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The access to to faculty. Faculty come to Wake Forest - in terms of recruitment, one of the reasons the faculty come work for us is the balance between being a

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Research intense university, but they want also be teachers, they actually want that. And those are the professors that we seek out for the faculty

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and scholars at the university. So I strongly, strongly encourage - and I can't tell you how many times I've said this

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In my role as a counselor - for students to engage with your professors. Get to know them. Go to their office hours. Stay after class just to introduce yourself or ask [something] even if it's just a little question. You're good; the student is not going to sound stupid.

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It's okay if [the professor] said it in class and they didn't hear it, or they were doing something else.

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I'm going to put a number on it and say 85% of the time I would hear in a counseling session a student

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Kind of stressed out about something that happened academically. And my question was "Have you talked to the professor about it?" And their answer was no 95% of the time.

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And when they would do that [talk to the professor] and they would they come back to me in the next week and a session and they go, "yeah, I think [I found] the answer. It was totally fine."

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It's getting them to initiate that behavior that is is really, really crucial and helpful. So I encourage you to share 

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That guidance with them as well, as you're engaging as a sort of consultant, [encourage them] to really engage your professors, to talk to them, ask for help.

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That's what they're here for, they really want to [help]. So last but not, not, not least, on the list is family relationships.

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Don't feel badly about this, but you are not going to likely be top of mind for your students. So I want you to just imagine for us - now that you and I are doing this in mid July -

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It is now mid- to late-November, and students are beginning to come home for those semester for Thanksgiving. Traditionally, and certainly I did it when I was a college student, they may start to drop off their books

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But they may not, they may just leave them in the car.

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So that they can go, because they already have time set aside and they're going straight to a friend's house or they're going to meet in some sort of third party location.

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Because parents will feel frustrated, maybe a little bit hurt, like "I'm just good enough to give you food and do your laundry for you..?"
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And yes, that's true. And please, and this is the mother of all refrains but it's also true, this means you have a healthy attachment, or they feel safe and secure in their attachment with you.

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And who are they going to see immediately when they get home, are going to connect with their friends from home, they haven't seen in a while in person.

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That's because they're trying to reassure themselves that we're okay [as friends] - that the last time I saw you was at graduation, or right before everyone left for college.

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"Are we still okay? Did you change? Did I change? Are we still connecting?" That's one of the things that's going on there.

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So yes, it will be a continuation of a grieving process for you as you see your students

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continue to grow out of the house. But I encourage you: don't take it personally. It's not about you.

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I think it's okay to say, "I would like to see some boundaries around that [time spent with friends]". Please also do remember - sometimes it's a little bit shocking

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That campuses are are surprisingly lively at two o'clock in the morning.

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There are people walking around, just having casual conversations as if it's two in the afternoon. They're just chit chatting on the Quad.

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They're not going somewhere, necessarily. And so you might notice their clock is a little bit different than what you're used to, the normal clock that goes on inside of your house, so be prepared for that. And it's okay to again

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set some boundaries around that, but give a little grace as well.

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As as the semester progresses

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Particularly this first semester, since when they're away, don't make any major changes - if you don't have to - to their room. You know, sometimes there's a sibling that wants the best room and and their older sibling had it.

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Don't give it away, again to the degree that you have control over that. Don't turn [their room] into the home office if you don't have to, or the exercise room you've been hoping to put in.

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That will maybe feel a little like a burn to students [to have their room changed.] Do stay in touch. It is totally okay. And I think actually really valuable to say "I really want regular check ins."

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I don't think regular check ins means three times a day. I wouldn't, I think we need to give students a longer space.

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And so, you know,

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[Checking in] is also not going to be like my generation (or the others older than I) that would be like, you know, maybe once a week.

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I talked to my parents maybe once a week when I was in college. So I understand it's different. So make sure you having that conversation and negotiating it with them. And then last but not least, do not talk about weight. Weight will fluctuate

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To some degree, or can in the first semester and in the first year. During these four years, their lifestyle has changed.

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There will, as Betsy alluded to earlier, be - this is a good example of trial and error, they'll be figuring out how to listen to their bodies. How to avail themselves of the food and nutrition that's around them. How much to move their body or not. How much and when to do that.

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If you're concerned about weight, first look at mood. "Are you okay?" or does this represent something else?

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And really for the first semester, if you notice some weight gain of, you know, 5 or 10 pounds, I really would not say a word about

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If you have concerns or questions, call the University Counseling Center. We have a campus nutritionist; call their office. Call the Student Health Service and have those conversations with a with a provider who can give you some specific guidance based on your unique circumstances.

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So some tips I mentioned...this is sort of the college experience: outside of the classroom, to some degree, and inside also "What's going on inside me?" And what's going on out there? That's a lot for four years to accomplish. But [adult development] really does begin in earnest

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In the college years.

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Try to invite your child to take risks and connect with new people. Try new things. They don't have to fall in love with [a particular] club [or extracurricular activity], but it does get them into different spheres of social life that can be really, really useful.

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Help them help normalize that experiences of homesickness

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Are really, really normal. That doesn't mean you don't listen to them, doesn't mean we don't validate them. But I want you to know, and I think it's important to share with them, that this is a transition. So that might be

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Something that they want to pay attention to it. Make sure it resolves, but you might ask them "So, you're feeling like you're really missing home. How can we help you feel supported?" when they are on campus.

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In my experience in the Counseling Center, I would say probably 98-99% of the sort of homesick anxiety adjustment issues that come in September were resolved by October.

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And then as a reminder, be their consultants around the issues they bring to you and help them think through solutions for themselves.

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Thanks James. So we're, we're at the third R right now, which is Resilience, which to me is one of the things that I preach so hard to my own academic advisees and and even to  my son at home.

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So as you think about your son or daughter getting ready to leave for Wake Forest, you probably have a whole range of hopes and desires

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They're going to gain [at college]. That might be finding friends that last a lifetime. Or building healthy fulfilling relationships with those friends, or romantic partners. Maybe with faculty, as James mentioned.

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Of course, you want to have good grades. Finding a major they're passionate about. And maybe even developing the skills that they're going to need for the rest of their life as they move from from college to career.

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It's critical that they learn to become independent, and that's where resilience is a real key part to that. Our ultimate goal is to help our students grow into the young people that they are meant to be, so that they can lead lives of meaning and purpose.

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All of those aspirations are fantastic - but none of them are easy, unless your sons and daughters can develop resilience. So I'm fond of this saying

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"Fall down seven times, stand up eight." And that's really one of the secrets to success is to just keep showing up and keep trying.

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And a lot of the concerns that your students have [are] particularly in the first five, six weeks of school.

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Suddenly, if they had been the person at the top of the class in their high school (which most likely they were), suddenly everybody else is as good, maybe even better. So they're starting to get some performance anxiety about "I'm not the top dog anymore."

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"I didn't get a great grade in this quiz" and it can shake their confidence. I'm fond of telling my my academic advisors "You are all going to get a paper back, or a test back, or a quiz back

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Particularly in the first semester, that doesn't look like the ones you had before.

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And that doesn't mean you're not smart. And it doesn't mean you don't deserve to be here. It just means you're not perfect on day one. So that's a moment where you need to persevere, stand up, learn what you need to learn from that example."

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So fall down seven times, stand up eight. Some of the things that help impede our students' resilience

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Are some roadblocks. Resilience is like any other skill: you develop it over time. Learning to deal with those disappointments and failures, it will take some practice. Part of what hurts our students is that our culture has wired people to be afraid of failure or risk.

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That can lead to people staying within their comfort zone. Like, I only want to try the things I'm already good at.

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Because I'm afraid to fail or I'm afraid, especially in this age of social media where everybody is carefully curating their public image

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I don't want to look like I can't do something

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And in fact, you know, your sons and daughters might not have had a lot of experience with failure. That could either be because they've been so great at what they've had to do in high school

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Or they haven't taken risks or because, you know, parents and loved ones might have lovingly rescued them before they could fail.

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So to some of the ways you can help your students... A lot of times, James alluded to the fact that they may not ever let you know they're listening to you.

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But they really are. Share some stories of times that you have failed. Talk about some of the things that have happened to you.

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Because they right now, see you as perfect. You're successful, you're amazing. You have this great life, you have a lovely family.

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00:51:46.710 --> 00:51:59.580
And they think it's *always* been good and it helps them to know that you've fallen short sometimes. Let them know that's real, and how you've come out on the other side.

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00:52:00.960 --> 00:52:05.700
I really want to stress this point of well intended rescuing.

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I'm a big fan of talking about playing the long game instead of the short game. Rescuing your child when they have an issue or a problem is a short term fix. So if they have a problem and you provide the answer or do the legwork to fix it for them, your child has not learned a thing.

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00:52:26.760 --> 00:52:37.530
In addition, it might send them an unintended message that you don't think they're capable of handling the situation on their own, and that can lead to self doubt and issues of confidence.

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So I urge you, your students need to experience what they're going to experience. And that's going to be occasional frustrations or problems or petty administrative stuff that they have to deal with.

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00:52:50.250 --> 00:53:01.860
Play the long game and get comfortable with the idea that your students are going to have some bumps in the road, but those are the bumps they need to build up their resiliency muscles. And again, don't step in.

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00:53:05.160 --> 00:53:11.400
You remember the old song about "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again"?

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00:53:12.810 --> 00:53:19.470
[James] Is this where you break into song? You know, if it were in Wait Chapel, I would have tapped danced, but yeah

310
00:53:21.270 --> 00:53:30.510
This is really a strategy for resilience. And knowing that our students can be afraid to try, or can be afraid

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We can help

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00:53:34.500 --> 00:53:37.950
Them reframe that notion. So

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You can remind them of times that they have failed before and succeeded.

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00:53:46.650 --> 00:53:55.620
"Remember how often you fell when you first started ice skating? But remember, you kept at it and you were practicing and you ended up being really good."

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00:53:56.670 --> 00:54:03.990
Think about examples in their past where something was hard for them, but they managed to keep at it and and succeed.

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Tell them - as overtly and as often as you're comfortable doing - that you don't expect them to be perfect. I can't tell you the number of academic advisees I've had in my office that have

317
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Said to me, "you know, my mom will kill me (or my dad will kill me) if I don't

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Get a certain GPA" or whatever. And I'll say, "you know, the taxonomy of things your parents are probably worried about are like: 'Are you safe and alive and healthy and happy?' first, and your GPA is probably a lot lower on that list than than you realize."

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So, help them understand that you don't expect perfection.

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What you *do* expect is for them is to be brave, to try new things - whether that's a new academic subject that they've never had in high school, or extracurriculars, but things that are beyond what they're they're already good at.

321
00:54:50.610 --> 00:54:58.410
And again normalize that they're going to be some things that go wrong, whether that's, you know, you've had a bad grade on a test or a paper.

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You can even fail a class - or have to leave a semester - and still come back and graduate from college and go on to have an amazing life. So help them

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Keep in perspective that tiny failures - or even medium-sized failures - do not drastically alter what will almost certainly be a really good life for them. So I want to talk a little bit about learning from what went right and what went wrong.

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I'm an academic adviser, and occasionally I will have a student who comes into my office and will say,

325
00:55:30.120 --> 00:55:37.500
They're getting a D in their class and I ask them to reflect on how they got there, so I

326
00:55:38.130 --> 00:55:43.740
Ask them a bunch of questions. I say "I don't want you to answer them for me. But I want you to think about them and answer them in your own head."

327
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You know, "Did I do the reading for class? Did I come prepared for class. Did I follow the syllabus exactly? Or did I turn in papers late?

328
00:55:53.190 --> 00:56:02.100
At the first sign of trouble, did I go to my faculty member's office hours for help? Or get free tutoring from the Math and Stats Center, or Learning Assistance Center? Or did I go it alone?

329
00:56:02.760 --> 00:56:10.770
What was the balance of my social time and study time? Did I get enough sleep, or was I burning the midnight oil too much?"

330
00:56:11.160 --> 00:56:19.860
So I tell my advisees, "As you think about those questions, if you see places that you could have/should have done better, you'll know what to do the next time.

331
00:56:20.400 --> 00:56:29.610
But if you sincerely made a great effort and did everything that you could, maybe that class is just a super hard subject for you and that grade represents your best effort.

332
00:56:29.970 --> 00:56:41.130
So move on and hold your head high." Learn from the things that you could do better. And a lot of that just comes from reflection, which is something we really do encourage our students to do as much as they can.

333
00:56:41.970 --> 00:56:49.230
[Bad grades] can feel really consequential in that moment, and that's the difference between being 18 or 19 

334
00:56:49.980 --> 00:57:01.800
Is that you realize "this is just a thing that's happened. It's not consequential." And maybe sometimes we even need to remind ourselves, as parents, that this is just a thing that has happened, doesn't mean

335
00:57:02.580 --> 00:57:14.610
The rest of our lives are now altered inexorably. [Students] lack that perspective. And that's something that we, as adults, whose brains are finished baking (for lack of a better word) can can help provide for sure.

336
00:57:15.810 --> 00:57:25.950
So a few more tips to think about. I mentioned earlier the sort of dream image that college is the best four years of your life, from the moment you set foot on campus.

337
00:57:26.760 --> 00:57:32.340
In my experience at Wake - and and for most of the students that I've known over a 20 plus year career -

338
00:57:32.790 --> 00:57:41.340
College can be a lot like falling in love. Very few of us are struck by the thunderbolt of love at first sight; for most of us, love grows over time.

339
00:57:41.970 --> 00:57:53.100
So help your students know that adjustment takes time Feeling at home on campus takes time. Finding friends takes time - and it takes effort, quite frankly, as well.

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00:57:53.940 --> 00:58:02.220
I want to tell you a little story - and I have the blessing of a former advisee whose story I'm going to share. Let's call her Hadley.

341
00:58:03.330 --> 00:58:09.870
Hadley arrived at college expecting that it would be problem-free and perfect from the moment that she arrived here.

342
00:58:10.230 --> 00:58:19.740
She was an unusually precocious student. She was hyper prepared. She was very serious, fully confident in who she was at high school as a super achiever.

343
00:58:20.280 --> 00:58:34.410
And when she started at Wake. She said she had trouble finding friends. She kept telling me "You know, I'm not like all the other kids here." They had different values and different expectations, and they partied a lot. And she didn't want to party.

344
00:58:37.590 --> 00:58:42.810
She wanted to go ahead and transfer and leave Wake Forest, and this was on day three, after moving in.

345
00:58:43.830 --> 00:58:55.710
And bless Hadley, she was open to coaching and I told her that she would find her friends, but it was going to take effort and time on her part to join some student organizations and put herself out there.

346
00:58:56.460 --> 00:59:06.480
And I told her there are students who shared her interests and values, including not wanting to drink, and she would discover those friends, but she would have to

347
00:59:07.080 --> 00:59:12.000
Be open to the idea that there might be other friends with different interests that she might love just as much.

348
00:59:12.540 --> 00:59:21.480
And Hadley reluctantly agreed to stay - but told me she was going to take extra credits every semester so she could graduate in three years. And I said, like "okay, let's come back and talk about it

349
00:59:22.680 --> 00:59:34.470
A little later." So naturally, she stayed all four years and was hugely involved as a campus leader in some of our most prestigious leadership positions. But it took time and resilience and she needed to

350
00:59:35.400 --> 00:59:45.510
Develop that grit. So it's important right now - in the weeks before actual move-in - to help prepare your students for what's to come.

351
00:59:45.990 --> 00:59:54.060
So remind them that it's not unusual in the first semester, even up through the first year, that they're learning to be a college student.

352
00:59:54.900 --> 00:59:57.960
They are learning to find friends. That's going to take time.

353
00:59:58.590 --> 01:00:14.460
Remind them of times in high school where they struggled and have a couple of those examples at the ready so that when they contact you and say, "oh, X or Y is so hard," you can remind them that they've done this before and they know how to to get over a bump in the road. We talked about

354
01:00:15.600 --> 01:00:28.440
The fact that it's helpful to know if you struggled, whether that's in your own college experience if you had one, or or somewhere in your personal life, so they know that someone they love and respect had problems and overcame them.

355
01:00:29.670 --> 01:00:41.250
It's important once school begins - and I would say this whether your student is local to Winston-Salem or is coming from California or somewhere abroad - send them some special touches

356
01:00:42.330 --> 01:00:50.010
Whether that's a text or a letter or a card. I was always fond of when my dad would send me a letter with $20 inside, I'll be honest to say.

357
01:00:52.050 --> 01:01:00.870
So send them some special touches, but be really careful not to do that *too* much because your students need to learn to self-soothe

358
01:01:01.260 --> 01:01:12.480
And not rely on you for for propping them up. I'll give you a pro tip: you do not have to answer your cell phone or answer a text every time your student pings you.

359
01:01:13.200 --> 01:01:27.960
Sometimes it's better to let them wait and self-soothe on their own, rather than give them that immediate gratification of support when they're frustrated. I see a lot of Wake Forest students walk out of class and immediately pick up their phone and say, "Hey, Mom" or "Hey, Dad."

360
01:01:29.430 --> 01:01:36.750
When they do that, they don't have the opportunity to walk and talk to another student who's not on the phone. So give them that space.

361
01:01:38.070 --> 01:01:49.710
And let them have a few hours to feel their feelings and and work on them. And obviously if it's an emergency, that's a different different story. If they call you three times in a row, you know, that they need you right [then.]

362
01:01:50.190 --> 01:02:02.400
But try to think about letting go and not giving them exactly what you normally would right at the moment. [James] Betsy, you could be a therapist. [Betsy] You know, I might. I might go back to school, who knows.

363
01:02:04.050 --> 01:02:09.600
We've talked a lot about the the impulse to fix it. And I'm going to come back to that in just a second and

364
01:02:10.860 --> 01:02:14.700
The importance of transitioning to that that role of consultants.

365
01:02:16.170 --> 01:02:26.610
I will also sort of warn you, or prompt you may be a better word - that at some point you're going to get what we call the Frantic Phone Call (or maybe it's a text these days).

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01:02:27.810 --> 01:02:37.980
Your son or daughter is going to call you and go, "Oh my gosh. Mom, Dad, I hate this place! This was the wrong school for me, and I just got as D on my chem test, and my roommate's horrible.

367
01:02:38.220 --> 01:02:44.610
And I don't have anybody to eat lunch with" and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They're going to go through this whole litany of things that

368
01:02:45.630 --> 01:02:53.340
Sounds just terrible. And so as a parent - and if my son was doing this to me, I'd be frantic myself -

369
01:02:54.780 --> 01:02:55.530
It is

370
01:02:56.700 --> 01:02:59.340
A tough thing to do to

371
01:03:00.600 --> 01:03:05.100
Let that frustration just sit there and resist that that impulse to fix it.

372
01:03:07.080 --> 01:03:17.250
Your student is going to have dumped all of those problems and frustrations on you. And when they hang up the phone, your hair is rapidly graying and your stomach acid is churning.

373
01:03:17.580 --> 01:03:22.950
And somebody like two doors down [from your student's room] just said, "Hey, we're gonna go get pizza. Do you want to join us?" And they're like, "Cool!"

374
01:03:23.190 --> 01:03:34.380
So they have dumped all their problems and vented to you and now they feel better because they vented. But you're left holding the bag. So in that sort of Frantic Phone Call moment

375
01:03:36.060 --> 01:03:43.950
I can't tell you the number of families that I've talked to who have who had just gotten the Frantic Phone Call and I say, "Give your student 24 hours.

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01:03:45.210 --> 01:03:48.660
Call them back in 24, 36, 48 hours.

377
01:03:49.080 --> 01:04:00.510
And say, 'Hey, I was really worried about you. You seemed really upset the other day.'" More likely than not, your student is going to go, "Oh, I was just mad about this test. Like, it's all good. I went into my professor's office hours and talked about it and

378
01:04:00.810 --> 01:04:03.510
I'm all set." So understand that

379
01:04:04.530 --> 01:04:07.470
Those moments are going to happen, and get yourself ready for them.

380
01:04:08.250 --> 01:04:18.150
But also start getting in that consultant role. Create conversations that build problem- solving. And again, that's where I sort of refer to it as the 'Teflon Don'

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01:04:18.570 --> 01:04:25.950
When they dump the problems, let that deflect right back on them: "So, what have you thought of?

382
01:04:26.880 --> 01:04:37.560
Are the resources on campus, you might be aware of? What's the Wake Forest website say about that?" Give them some things to prompt their thinking, without giving them the actual answer.

383
01:04:38.370 --> 01:04:45.810
And for those of you that are in the Daily Deac-dom, I'm going to tell you about one of my favorite phrases which is Stop, Drop and Roll.

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01:04:46.890 --> 01:04:53.520
So for those of you that have already discovered the Daily Deac blog, you'll hear me say over and over the notion of Stop, Drop and Roll.

385
01:04:54.150 --> 01:05:05.280
And it's a cheeky play on the old fire safety thing. What we mean here for Stop is if your student contacts you,

386
01:05:06.060 --> 01:05:13.500
Take that deep breath and then ask yourself a couple of important questions: "Is this really something that your child cannot solve on their own?"

387
01:05:14.280 --> 01:05:24.540
And also ask: "If you fix that problem for your student, have you moved the ball down the field in terms of them learning how to take care of themselves and becoming more independent?"

388
01:05:25.530 --> 01:05:35.940
Drop that urge to reach out and fix it yourself, and use those kind of Teflon Don reflective questions. On some level, the third part might even be the hardest: Roll with it.

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01:05:36.870 --> 01:05:49.920
Easy to say, hard to do. So let your student do the problem solving on their own. And even if the solution is different from how you might have handled it, or you don't like the solution, they are learning to figure out

390
01:05:51.000 --> 01:05:59.310
How to be resourceful and creative and figuring out their solution. Let me give you a real world example.

391
01:05:59.970 --> 01:06:10.260
So say your student has a cold, she doesn't feel well. She's got a big Chem test coming up this week. And there's a light bulb in the ceiling fixture in her room that needs replacing.

392
01:06:10.680 --> 01:06:16.830
And you know, as a loving family member, that she doesn't feel good and she's stressed about this test, and she needs to focus on studying.

393
01:06:17.100 --> 01:06:22.950
So you decide to take like the one little piddly administrative thing off her hands and contact Facilities [about the light].

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01:06:23.400 --> 01:06:29.580
You do this as an act of love, a way to help or take something off her plate. So your *intent* is honorable and great.

395
01:06:30.360 --> 01:06:33.780
The *impact*, though, is that you've robbed your

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01:06:34.230 --> 01:06:43.800
Student of an opportunity to learn how to multitask. So instead of her learning how to navigate that Facilities work order herself, which she'll need to use again over the next four years,

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01:06:44.190 --> 01:06:48.300
You do it. So she hasn't grown that skill. And there will come a time

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01:06:48.810 --> 01:06:54.270
Perhaps 15 years from now, where, say, she has a big presentation do at work tomorrow.

399
01:06:54.540 --> 01:07:01.020
And her toddler just threw up everywhere, and her air conditioning just went out - and she's gonna have to figure out how to handle all those things at once.

400
01:07:01.350 --> 01:07:10.680
The more muscle memory she can build right now - in what is a very safe collegiate environment to handle multiple problems - the better off she's going to be later.

401
01:07:11.040 --> 01:07:21.690
So let her learn those lessons here, where the stakes are low. Let her figure out how to multitask. Because then she's going to know how to do it. And she's going to be even stronger and better prepared to go forward after that.

402
01:07:25.380 --> 01:07:26.040
So,

403
01:07:27.090 --> 01:07:44.070
We're moving in towards the end of the presentation. And we did want to make sure to talk about when you really should be concerned and when you should be more engaged, and and having more engaged conversations with your child

404
01:07:45.390 --> 01:07:51.030
Trying to get some more information from them. If you're beginning to notice some things that are concerning to you, so

405
01:07:52.050 --> 01:08:04.560
Being a human being - me, you, we - we have a whole wide variety of feelings on a daily basis. We might feel a little anxious, we might feel a little down, we might have a

406
01:08:05.700 --> 01:08:23.400
Less than healthy relationship with food or other sort of process behaviors. We might use alcohol in a way that's not helpful for us. And I want to put into context that particularly for the emerging adult brain,

407
01:08:24.600 --> 01:08:34.560
This is when we begin to notice some more significant, potentially emerging chronic mental health conditions. And it's one of the reasons why.

408
01:08:35.160 --> 01:08:47.250
I love working with this age group is we have so many resources that are very, very well trained in the University Counseling Center in particular around mental health issues.

409
01:08:48.300 --> 01:08:51.540
Where we understand what to look for.

410
01:08:52.560 --> 01:09:05.310
To help sort through: is this something that is a developmental adjustment issue, or is it somebody may be a symptom of something more significant? So since to be human means we have a variety of feelings,

411
01:09:06.600 --> 01:09:13.980
And we have all this adjustment stuff going on, we've been talking about the transitions, it's important to think about emotions also.

412
01:09:14.610 --> 01:09:28.380
And emotional, behavioral issues exist on a spectrum. So a one-off 'having a really bad day and feeling down' and like I need to stay in bed for most the day does not mean the person has major depression.

413
01:09:29.490 --> 01:09:34.710
On the other end of the spectrum, however, if you're noticing some concerns around mood,

414
01:09:36.030 --> 01:09:48.330
Around choices around eating, in reporting that around their engagement socially (or lack thereof) changes, or they are taking care of themselves in terms of hygiene

415
01:09:50.100 --> 01:10:02.550
Their ability to communicate clearly with you if there's differences in what you normally experience with them. That is, when you want to start asking a little bit more direct questions about "Tell me how you're doing."

416
01:10:03.570 --> 01:10:08.760
And give them some examples of what you're noticing. So you really do need to push into or lean into

417
01:10:10.080 --> 01:10:12.930
Being more transparent with them about why you're concerned.

418
01:10:14.700 --> 01:10:21.960
"So I, you know, I've noticed that you seem to be saying that you've been sort of more tearful.

419
01:10:22.260 --> 01:10:30.180
And it wasn't just like one or two things that happened with a friend. It seems like you've been carrying this weight around. I've noticed that in our phone calls and hearing it in your voice."

420
01:10:31.710 --> 01:10:33.600
So [give] some behavioral

421
01:10:35.010 --> 01:10:42.270
Examples that share with them why you're concerned helps ground the conversation that you're having

422
01:10:43.920 --> 01:10:56.190
As Betsy alluded to earlier. *Our* relationship is with your student, but a lot of our services are available to concerned loved ones as well. 

423
01:10:57.120 --> 01:11:09.930
In our support offices, any parent can call to consult around what your concerns are, what you're hearing and seeing, and some strategies.

424
01:11:10.590 --> 01:11:25.500
What the offices that provide confidential service (since almost every single student here is of legal age) confidentiality for medical records or mental health records, etc. applies, so

425
01:11:26.340 --> 01:11:35.970
The Counseling Center and Student Health, they won't be able to confirm or deny any specific issues that are going on in the Counseling Center. Specifically, they can't divulge that a student

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01:11:36.300 --> 01:11:40.740
has - or has not - been in the Counseling Center. But

427
01:11:41.400 --> 01:11:50.610
What they can do is listen to your concerns and say, "So here's what I'm hearing: you're concerned about [X]. Here are some strategies that you can deploy, as well as

428
01:11:51.150 --> 01:11:59.040
Here are the things that the university can do, ways you can engage other support services at the university, to help your student feel supported and get you the answers that you're hoping for."

429
01:11:59.940 --> 01:12:15.180
On the back end within confidential service offices, it's a very regular conversation to say [to a student client] "Would it be useful, since your parent sounds like is expressing concern for you, and you're seeking out services in

430
01:12:16.290 --> 01:12:22.290
The Counseling Center, would it be helpful for you to sign a release of information so that the three of us (the provider,

431
01:12:22.590 --> 01:12:31.740
The student, and a parent or parents) can have a joint conversation?" Or can I share limited things based on the permission they give me, so [parents/loved ones] can

432
01:12:31.950 --> 01:12:43.500
Understand you are seeking help and you're doing the things emerging adults should do,  which is seeking their own care, navigating their own healthcare system, with lots of support [along the way from] offices.

433
01:12:44.340 --> 01:12:59.220
I wanted to make sure we talk about the variety of more significant concerns that come up. We are very well staffed in our medical and health offices to support students. And we're also really

434
01:13:00.060 --> 01:13:11.760
Connected in the Wake Forest community and the Winston Salem community and the hospital systems as well, as with private specialist providers for a variety of concerns. Whether it's a medical specialty

435
01:13:12.300 --> 01:13:29.820
That's needed for some further evaluation, or a specific mental health specialty, or there's more frequency of sessions that the particular student needs or a more particular kind of training or care background that they're needing or wanting, we're able to get those students connected

436
01:13:31.080 --> 01:13:33.630
Pretty easily 

437
01:13:35.250 --> 01:13:48.930
So really the take away from message for this is: if you have any concerns, engage your student. Be transparent about those concerns and then say, "I'd like to for you and I together to engage. Let's have a phone call or Zoom with with

438
01:13:50.700 --> 01:13:58.440
Someone in the Counseling Center, Student Health Service, Learning Assistance Center, etc. And let's just start getting everyone on the same page. Make sure you're doing okay."

439
01:14:00.330 --> 01:14:02.640
So this is my favorite slide of the whole presentation.

440
01:14:03.660 --> 01:14:07.770
And that is my one of my favorite people ever: Fred Rogers, Mr. Rogers.

441
01:14:08.910 --> 01:14:23.790
And this is the the quote that I truly believe applies at Wake and in my role over our support offices. It's my continued expectation

442
01:14:24.390 --> 01:14:35.610
That we provide service in this way. So the quote is "When I was a boy and I saw a scary thing in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'" and

443
01:14:36.750 --> 01:14:39.750
That really is why I've stayed at Wake for as long as I have.

444
01:14:41.070 --> 01:14:46.530
My personal quote is, "You can't walk five yards without tripping over someone who really wants to help you here."

445
01:14:47.850 --> 01:15:03.000
And so I hope and expect your students will have that experience. Part of it will be as they emerge into their later years, away for us, is navigating that on their own, so that when they graduate, they know how to ask for help.

446
01:15:04.290 --> 01:15:14.670
But certainly, particularly in their early years, there's going to be a lot of those extra connections to them to invite them to engage with a variety of support

447
01:15:15.420 --> 01:15:24.630
On campus [Betsy] and James, if I can jump in just to add something, I want to commend all of our parents and families because one of the things that I see time and time again

448
01:15:24.990 --> 01:15:38.760
Is when a student is having trouble with X or Y, their friends, hallmates, people in their club, our students are so good at looking after each other and caring for each other. You have raised some wonderfully empathetic,

449
01:15:39.540 --> 01:15:50.790
Great students. I've talked to many families where some kind of terrible thing has happened, and roommates, friends, and others have been immeasurable sources of support and comfort, so

450
01:15:52.050 --> 01:15:59.130
You know, bravo to all of your children for being ready to be the right kind of friend. That's

451
01:16:00.210 --> 01:16:01.620
One of the things that makes Wake great.

452
01:16:07.020 --> 01:16:21.300
So resources on campus. We want to make sure you have them. We will also make sure these are online. Typically, this is a handout we give to parents and families who attend this when you are walking out of Wait Chapel.

453
01:16:22.890 --> 01:16:32.550
And some some additional tips on it. So we'll make sure this goes online, but we wanted to give you just a a sampling of the variety of offices that are available to support

454
01:16:33.060 --> 01:16:44.790
Your students - as well as a you - for consultation, if needed. [Betsy] we also have a directory within our Parents and Families page [parents.wfu.edu] so you can look at

455
01:16:45.870 --> 01:16:54.030
Each of these offices and know a little bit about what they do; we hyperlink over to their websites as well, so that's that's available on parents.wfu.edu.

456
01:16:55.200 --> 01:17:04.110
That's a great place to point people to. So also maybe my second favorite part of the presentation is

457
01:17:05.400 --> 01:17:08.700
We have a special letter that has been written

458
01:17:10.260 --> 01:17:14.460
By a college student (and since it was a handwritten letter, you know it was many decades ago)

459
01:17:15.540 --> 01:17:23.040
[sent] home to their their parents. And we thought, as we close up, this is a nice way to

460
01:17:23.970 --> 01:17:32.040
sort of summarize some of the messages we were wanting to send. So I've asked Betsy if she can summon her inner 19 year old

461
01:17:32.550 --> 01:17:42.150
And read this letter on the student's behalf. [Betsy] I'm going to dig deep, because that's *way* back in in my time. So, "Dear Mom and Dad,

462
01:17:42.870 --> 01:17:49.890
It has been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I'm very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before.

463
01:17:50.460 --> 01:17:57.210
I will bring you up to date. Now, but before you read, on please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you're sitting down. Okay.

464
01:17:58.170 --> 01:18:08.610
Well then, I'm getting along pretty well now that the skull fracture in the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my residence hall when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed by now.

465
01:18:09.030 --> 01:18:14.460
I only spent two weeks in the hospital. And now I can see almost normally, and only get those headaches once a day.

466
01:18:15.120 --> 01:18:23.850
Fortunately, the fire in the residence hall and my jump was witnessed by the attendant at the gas station nearby and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance.

467
01:18:24.150 --> 01:18:32.010
He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out residence hall, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.

468
01:18:32.610 --> 01:18:43.260
It's actually really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a really fine boy and is working on a promising music career as the lead singer of the Puking Bunnies, a great punk rock group.

469
01:18:43.830 --> 01:18:52.050
We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I assure you it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

470
01:18:52.920 --> 01:19:03.150
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you're looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you'll welcome the baby and give it the same love, devotion, and tender care that you gave me as a child.

471
01:19:03.750 --> 01:19:12.180
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend and I were briefly detained at the local jail for practicing our own brand of witchcraft and a local park.

472
01:19:12.840 --> 01:19:17.220
We're looking forward to clearing up these charges quite soon so that we might go forward with our nuptials.

473
01:19:17.880 --> 01:19:27.240
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He's kind, and although not well educated, his work with the Puking Bunnies is sure to take off soon.

474
01:19:27.960 --> 01:19:42.000
Our love is so strong that I can't imagine being away from him while he's on the road with the band. So I guess my dreams of traveling the country in the back of a Winnebago will be coming true! Now that I've brought you up to date, I want to tell you some some things:

475
01:19:43.080 --> 01:19:51.390
There was no residence hall fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I'm not pregnant, nor am I engaged.

476
01:19:51.810 --> 01:20:06.930
I was not arrested, nor am I a witch. And I am not seeing the lead singer of the Puking Bunnies (although I have to admit, he's really cute). However, I am getting a D in sociology and an F and economics and I wanted you to see these grades in proper perspective. Your loving daughter."

477
01:20:09.510 --> 01:20:10.320
Thank you, Betsy.

478
01:20:11.760 --> 01:20:19.320
What what you all are missing is that when we would do this every year, there is just a huge array of laughter from 700 or 800 parents

479
01:20:21.000 --> 01:20:24.450
[Betsy] Cringing! Right, cringing and "oh my God, oh my God" 

480
01:20:25.470 --> 01:20:44.340
And it's really just a great way to wrap up with a little bit of silliness and humor. But also, the message in there is pretty clear that it's all about context and being able to have some perspective. So

481
01:20:45.990 --> 01:20:53.460
I hope - we hope and look forward to when we can we can do this live again, and get to our colleagues to do that again.

482
01:20:54.720 --> 01:20:55.320
So,

483
01:20:56.670 --> 01:21:04.170
I'll say my part and then I'll turn it over to Betsy for the last word. I'm thankful for you all and to tune in when you're able to.

484
01:21:05.460 --> 01:21:12.870
And I hope you found this to be a useful time together. I do invite you to to have these conversations

485
01:21:14.130 --> 01:21:19.290
And consider how we can best support your students based on some of the stuff we talked about.

486
01:21:20.400 --> 01:21:33.120
So I'm really relieved that you're getting listen to this at your own time and not when you're hot, sweaty, tired, and overwhelmed after move in, so that this may have a chance to sink in.

487
01:21:33.660 --> 01:21:38.820
And I hope [the recorded version] will give you some additional time to think about questions that you might still have.

488
01:21:39.150 --> 01:21:54.930
We have lots of answers out on parents.wfu.edu and I would especially commend two parts of that to you: we have a button on our main page that says "Who to Contact for..." so for common situations, it'll tell you

489
01:21:55.980 --> 01:22:03.660
If I need to know about grades, go here. If I need to know about a work order, go here. So that that's really important. I'd also encourage you to look at our

490
01:22:03.960 --> 01:22:11.220
Family Communications Philosophy and Guidelines, because that'll tell you when to expect to hear from Wake Forest and when you won't.

491
01:22:11.430 --> 01:22:23.790
We don't automatically send every email that goes to students out to parents; there's sort of a hierarchy of sometimes we do, and sometimes we we don't. And it's helpful to  understand when you'll be hearing from us.

492
01:22:24.480 --> 01:22:42.570
We want you to know James is here, I'm here, all of our support offices are here for you. And we want to do everything we can to help make your transition to college - to being a Wake Forest parent or family member - as smooth as it can be. So if you need assistance, let us know. 

493
01:22:43.770 --> 01:22:50.070
We know you are looking forward to the last few weeks with your students, and know we are eager to get them here with us,

494
01:22:51.000 --> 01:23:02.550
Even in the times of COVID. We are all standing ready to help your kids have the best college experience. You're ready. And they're ready. And we can't wait to have them with us. So thanks and Go Deacs!